On Getting Old

The past year I have found myself getting old. You may think I am exaggerating, but the truth is that this is the year I have gotten old. Not before this year, I had no grey hair and the aches and pains were minimal. These year my hair has turned grey and I am finding my joints in my fingers hurt when it's cold, a sure sign that I'm inheriting mild arthritis like both of my parents have suffered from for years. Dominyk asked me why I was getting grey hair and I just asked, "Have you ever seen a grandma that doesn't have grey hair?" He was satisfied with that response, knowing that in 6 months I'll be one and then, of course, the grey hair will be a necessity.

I've also spent a great deal of time reflecting and realizing who I am and that it's not going to change. I am pretty firmly established as a person, and while I hope that I make some changes, fundamentally I'm really not going to be much different. I don't feel 45 .... I still feel 20. I'm not ready for my life to be half over.... sometimes I feel like it's just beginning.

On the way to church this morning, we heard this song and then Sadie and I saw this movie together. I heard the chorus and realized that this is going to be my life. I'm never going to stop climbing. I'm never going to quit looking for something big to do next.

Here's the chorus:

Theres always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an up-hill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.

He's not like everyone else

Dominyk has been pretty good in church lately, but it's because he's been able to fall asleep, which isn't very complimentary for the preacher's son, but less disturbing than his usual antics. But lately he's been snoring so loud that it's fairly disturbing and I've been hoping he'll stay awake

Well, this morning he did.... for the whole long hour. It was really warm in the sanctuary this morning, and he couldn't get comfortable. He had not been able to find his belt and he was convinced that his pants were going to fall down, which is not even a remote possibility. But he won't be reasoned with -- no belt equals pants falling down . He desperately wanted to sleep, but simply could not get comfortable.

So the games began. He obsessed about his pants. He obsessed about not being able to breathe. (To no avail, I suggest to him that people who can't breathe can't talk, but he never gets that). He obsessed about not being comfortable.

Then Bart made this mistake of mentioning that the disciples went somewhere "two by two" which led to the repetition of several verses of "the ants go marching two by two" except it was really just repeating the same verse (the second one) again and again. Sort of like that sentence -- repetitious redundancy.

The next move was to pretend to shoot out every stained glass window with a fake gun. Then he ripped apart every tithe envelope he could find.

The next time I looked over at him he had his socks AND shoes off and was playing with his bare, but fortunately clean, toes.

He wanted his back rubbed. He wanted his back scratched. He wanted to rest his sweaty head on my shoulder, which of course, I did allow.

During the last hymn, "Christ for the world we sing" there was great evidence that he not only marches to the beat of a different drum, but that he dances to the beat of a different song. He was singing something about getting that Boom, Boom Boom, and 3008 and two thousand late and dancing while the rest of us were singing an old hymn, that really didn't have a dance beat.

And, as Bart was saying the benediction, Dominyk was, not too loudly, but loudly enough, saying his own "Thank God it's finally over," he proclaimed.

And even though the whole thing was quite entertaining and fun to blog, I'm not sure those sitting around us trying to worship thought so.

Next week I think I'll let him snore.

All Things Settling Down

I decided to face things head on so I called one of the kids not living here and confronted them about their conversation. An apology was offered and some things were straightened out I then confronted my facebook friend and that has been resolved.

And then I saw a movie by myself. A rare treat, but I enjoyed it.

Now Bart is busy in the kitchen and Kari is busy in her kitchen and I'm sitting planning on eating everything they are making when we head over to spend the 4th with them like we did last year. But reading through that post, today was a much nicer day than last year (so far).

Dominyk is completely off meds this summer and is actually more tolerable without them so I'm not sure what to say. He is quite hyper, so I'm not sure what to tell the psychiatrist.

But I think my minor anxiety attack is over for now and things are back to normal....

Morally Superior

Last night I posted a facebook update that talked about people acting morally superior when they weren't. As I was lying in bed thinking about that last night, I realized that my very statement was morally superior in tone. Why is it that we are so quick to judge others? I went and read Matthew 7 in the process:

The Message transalation puts Matthew 7:1-5 this way:

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

I was slammed in the face bigtime when I read that. None of us is perfect and I need to be careful.

Am I morally superior? Nope. Just bumbling along making mistakes as well. And I deleted the facebook update status as well.

Putting Yourself out There

Sometimes I hate my decision to be vulnerable online. I started blogging with that commitment to myself -- that I would tell it like it really was.

Last night one of the kids who does not live here had some concerns about a kid who is living here and talked to another one of the kids who isn't living here to report their concern. These two, who don't live here, apparently felt a need to discuss what might be going on here with each other. Problem is that the two of them have done so many things in the past to harm our reputation and our well being. The irony of them discussing a possible problem here was particularly annoying.

I can't remember exactly what I said on my facebook status update, but it was something to the affect of, "Claudia hates it when people spread rumors as if they are morally superior when they aren't." I intended to follow up with something more specific this morning, including the explanation above. In fact, as I began to think about it, I was planning this post, which I just wrote.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I was reprimanded publicly by someone on Facebook that I haven't sen in 25 years. They suggested that I spent way too much time in facebook, that I needed to learn something about promotion, etc, etc, etc. So on top of the whole situation there was that to deal with.

I deleted the status update and wrote a personal message to the person thanking them for a lesson well learned and will definitely be more careful in the future.

I guess being authentic and blogging from the heart, which most of us do as adoptive parents, isn't really geared toward self promotion. So now that it is time for promotion, apparently I'm hurting myself by putting myself out there.

So I've learned my lesson today. Venting, vague, judgmental facebook status updates are not going to be good for my book promotion. And all the sudden my heart isn't in facebook any more. I'm sure it will return, but for now I'm not feeling like it sounds very fun.

And I woke up to a text from one of the offending parties suggesting that we don't do anything about what's happening at home so they have to take care of it. This was without even asking me what we had done when it was reported to us.

So I am a bit annoyed this morning. Annoyed at my own imperfections and those of others and annoyed at my own false sense of moral superiority.

And I'm wondering how long I can keep putting myself out there....

It's Hard for Me to Say I'm Sorry

I had a scream fest last night. For any of you who have fooled yourself into believing that I am a calm, cool collected and patient woman, you shoulda seen me last night. Grrr.

It started around 5:15 when Wilson, who was supposed to be at his baseball game at 5:15 came in the house looking for socks. The message I had been given by Bart was that he had all his stuff with him at the pool so Rand was going to pick him up at the pool and take him to his game. I was going to go later after the game started with Bart to watch it.

So here he shows up asking for socks and insinuating, in his indignant way, that I should have his socks ready. For a very small child, he has this indignant voice attitude and I was in no mood to be blamed for his missing socks. His room is a disaster and he refuses to put away his clothes. . In adidition, I had been paying Rand and JImmy to help with laundry, which turned out to be quite a serious mistake. I won't give you the details, but it involved a heavy load of clothes mixed with damp towels from a month ago that Rand had used to clean up the leakage from some pipe plugging episode and then hidden in a closet. OK, so I gave you details. Let's just say that I was not happy about their stupidity.

So Wilson comes in so insistent that he had put his socks down the laundry chute and that I SHOULD have them ready for him. I looked in the dryer (where I discovered a half wet load of the most foul smelling stuff (and this was after they had been washed with Tide with Febreeze and Downey) and no socks. I then proceeded to go to my bedroom and dig through every single basket of clean clothes. The whole time I'm doing this monologue about how I'm expected to work a miracle at the last minute every time someone in this house looses something. Yup, Mom to the rescue. I was ranting and carrying on. I ended up dumping out about five baskets of clean clothes all over the bed because apparently when Rand and JImmy do laundry, they can't separate out the socks like they are supposed to. No socks.

I then went into Wilson's room that I had told him he had to clean on Monday that he had ignored and refused to clean and found a horrible horrible mess of clean and dirty clothes mixed together and thrown everywhere. That of course, sent me on another tirade of foolish yelling about how he had been told for days to get it done, but NOOOOOO, he has the Wii to play. I'm guessing it wasn't pretty.

Well, as you can imagine, I finally found the socks. They were still dirty, and stuffed in Wilson's closet. This was one of the few times where he has actually been caught in a minor screw up, and he wasn't sure what to say. He put on his dirty socks and went to the game.

When I arrived home after game I came in to find the kitchen a disaster. Rand was home alone and had done nothing for hours. The dinner I had made on Tuesday had been reheated and then everything was left out. In fact, he had not covered anything after doing dishes on Tuesday, so everything had to be thrown away. The pans he washed were black with beans, and generally he had done a horrible job with everything so so he could be done and watch TV. Having worked several 14-15 hour days in the last couple weeks (Me, not him!) I am beyond annoyed with his laziness. In addition, Jimmy had been charging me by the hour to do chores and housework and he usually does a great job, but I found a few things that he had simply not done that he had told me were finished.

I came unglued and began to clean with such a burst of anger-induced energy that I shocked the children. I was yelling and wiping and slamming and stomping and carrying on. Dominyk, Ivan and Jimmy were all trying to help however they could, but mostly just stood there mouths gaping while I banged around. I told Rand to sit on the couch and watch TV because that is what he does best (I know, mean). Of course, he could do the sitting part, but he couldn't keep his mouth shut, so he had to argue with a few of the irrational things I was saying, fueling my fury. I guess I should have told him to sit on the couch and watch TV quietly but I forgot to say "quietly".

Wilson was hiding in my bedroom. Bart went to hide from me too and found him there. Apparently he was very nervous, having not seen a true fit in the year and a half he'd lived here. I don't have them very often.

So when the kitchen was clean, and Bart had taken a few of the guys to the grocery store, I pulled Wilson on to my lap. I explained to him that sometimes when people yell, that's all they do. They don't leave. They don't hurt people. They just yell, and then it's over, and then everything is fine. Tears slipped down his perfect little face. Eventually he was satisfied and in his own way, wordlessly, accepted my apology.

Bart had taken Jimmy, Ivan and Rand to the store and they processed my fit. Bart tried to explain that if Rand and JImmy simply did what they were supposed to do, big outbursts like that could be avoided and that they built up when the kids didn't do what they were supposed to do for long period of time. Bart reminded them that I don't get like this very often and Ivan simply said, "At my house, it's always like that."

SIgh.

The boys came home with stuff for Root beer floats and we let the "little boys" (Dominyk and Wilson) get up and stay up late and we laughed and ate and joked around until past bedtime.

I shouldn't have flipped out. I shouldn't have scared the kids and possibly re-traumatized them. But maybe in doing so I reinforced to them that even when I am very very frustrated, I'm still their mom. Even when I yell and carry on, I don't walk away. In the middle of my biggest tantrum, nobody gets hit or hurt. And afterwards, we can hug and have floats and laugh.

So if you've ever had a fit in front of your kids, remember that there is some good in it. You're teaching them something they may never have experienced before. There can be laughter beyond the anger, joy after the pain, and no matter what, we're still here.

And we always will be, even if imperfect.

The Sigh of Relief

I'm a pretty independent woman. Anyone who knows me in "real life" will tell you that. But I really like having my husband home. When he is gone I don't sleep as well and I feel unsettled.

So every time he returns I breathe a sigh of relief and things can be back to normal.

Nothing too eventful is going on here. Dominyk is back, so we are up to 4 kids at home (plus our guest). Tomorrow Ricky, Leon and Sadie will be back as well and we'll be back to the normal seven who are here this summer. It has seemed a bit odd around here, but I've enjoyed the break.

And now I have a couple hours of quiet.... so I better take advantage of them. Hopefully I'll have time to blog something worth blogging later today.

Upcoming Training

Wanna hear Kari in person?

Off the Top of My Head

A coworker this morning and I were talking by instant message and i was telling her about some of my kids bad choices as they are entering adulthood. She asked me, "how do you still push for families to take these kind of kids when you know what is most likely going to happen?"

Very quickly I responded this way (and much of it you have heard me say before, but I thought I'd show you what can come pouring out in less than 4 minutes)

Many reasons:
1) The kids need to have a choice. They need to see both sides. If we don't adopt them, they never even get a chance to see options.

2) Because sometimes the kids surprise you, and each kids deserves a chance to go the right direction.

3) Because society is stupid and teaches us that if something is hard we shouldn't do it. That's ridiculous. We are a weak pathetic society becuase we have been given permission to walk away from everything that builds character.

4) Because I am a different person than I would have been without raising these kids, even if they end up screwed up. As Bart says, "I adopted children thinking I could save them, but in reality, they have saved me."

5) There are moments of joy in the journey that are simply beyond comparison. When those moments come, they are worth the crap.

6) I have met people I never would have met had I not adopted these kids. The professionals and other adoptive parents have become great friends and taught me so much.

7) We have been able to influence the kids friend's almost more than the kids themselves. We have a 15 year old boy living with us this summer who we never would have met without our kids. We have had these kind of situations happen often where we have connected with kids we otherwise wouldn't have met.

8) God asks us to plant seeds. He doesn't ask us to harvest. He says that's His job.

9) The story isn't over yet. We're in the middle of it. I can't evaluate my success when I have a house full of teenagers. They still might "turn out OK."

10) The results for the kids if we don't do it are way too bleak. They are better off with parents, in fact they need parents even more, if they end up being big screw ups as adults. If we don't adopt them, they'll be big screw ups without parents, and that is tragic -- for them, and for society.

So, how's that? Not bad for 4 minutes.

Don't give up...

There is something wrong with the online store today, of course. Since today I began to promote pre-orders for the books.

But don't give up. HOpefully they'll fix it and you can order one soon.

The Movie Video

Finally, the first release of the movie video.

I have spent the morning trying to make this work and finally it does. So you can check it out.

This isn't going to be the final version of the website promoting it, but I thought I'd get some feedback.

So here goes... The Promotional Movie for the Book

And from there you can preorder one. How cool is that?

Irritating Morning

It's especially irritating when there are not children to blame and things go wrong. Jimmy is the only one home this morning so I suppose I should finish my poem from yesterday

Four growing Fletcher kids as calm as they can be
one went back to her boyfriends, and then there were three.

Three growing Fletcher kids, so quiet I don't know what to do
one went to work at 6 a.m., and then there were two.

Two growing Fletcher kids, the youngest so much fun
he went off to summer school, and then there was one.

One growing Fletcher kid, wandering around the house, lost, lonely, confused. Well, not really. But Jimmy is finding it quite odd to be here by himself and I"m heading off to a meeting, so he will truly be alone.

Introducing...

2 ounces, less than three inches long, but definitely moving around. We could see him/her scratching his/her head. We saw legs kicking and the heart beating.

I'm amazed at the technology.

And most women with 12 kids aren't experiencing their first ultrasound at 45...

but it was very cool. Definitely a baby in there.

See the Poll?

I need a little guidance in regards to the book. As you know, we've been working on it for some time and now it's time to get serious. We had the photo taken for the cover last night and the book is ready for the final reading by Bart. Then I will have a few others read through it for typos and it will be off to the publisher. We are going to self-publish this first book and see how it sells.

I want to unveil the video that I made for it, but I want to offer folks the opportunity to pre-order a book when I do so. SInce we gave people that opportunity last fall and only three people (Yes, three. Three people in this entire world. Three. Anyway...) ordered it, we're considering not offering a hardcover but a paperback instead. However, if nobody is planning to buy that one either, maybe we should only order a few copies.

So, I've created a poll for you to help me get an idea of where we are at with this. If you could respond that would be great.

Let me tell you a bit about the book before you respond. It's called, "Out of Many, One Family: How 2 Adults Claimed 12 Children through Adoption. It's the story about how we acquired our 12 children in 12 years. It's about foster care and the adoption process, more than it is about raising the kids (that will be a sequel). It details our journey from our first foster care visit until the last two moved in and has a "what we learned" section.

Other than my blog readers, friends and family members, the target audience is folks who are in the adoption process and would like to learn how to survive the waiting and the red tape. It's really about what we learned as naive people starting the journey.

As soon as I have 50 responses I will post a link to the book promo movie clip that I've been working on since before Christmas....

So pollers, poll on. (Is pollers a word?)

So based on that description, can you respond to the poll?

And then there were four

Dominyk and Bart just left for camp today and so now there are four children home.

12 growing Fletcher kids taught of God and heaven
one went off to college and then there were eleven

11 growing Fletcher kids, the places they have been
one off to alcohol treatment, and then there were ten.

10 growing Fletcher kids, their pictures in a line
one got arrested, and then there were nine.

9 growing Fletcher kids, not wanting to be late
one went to Grandma's for the summer and then there were eight.

8 growing Fletcher kids, number's about to dive
three went on a missions trip and then there were five.

5 growing Fletcher kids, you're about to hear me roar
One went with dad to church camp and then there were four!


I only spent four minutes on that so if it isn't literary genius, you know why.

Yup, we're down to four kids home today and when Salinda leaves tonight, that will be three.

Plus our newest "son" who is really just a friend of the kids, but who is living here this summer. However, he is at summer school, as is WIlson this morning.

So really, right now I only have 3 kids at home. Salinda is leaving for driver's ed hours in a couple hours.

So here we are. It's nice to have time to sort things out and get started with my day!