Weekend nights

Friday and Saturday nights are stressful for me. I have spent many of these nights worrying about Salinda. She is not organized at all and often is not where she says she is. She is due home tonight at midnight, but she hasn't let me know if she has a ride or not and I certainly don't want to try to go to sleep wondering if she will call and wake me up. But, with good old Tylenol PM maybe I'll be able to fall asleep anyway (and for those of you who are worried, I don't plan on relying on this sleep aid for more than a week. I've taken it 3 nights so far. I most likely won't take it again after tonight because Bart will be here.

For some reason, having my husband here makes a big difference in me controlling my anxiety when Salinda is not home. On Saturday nights especially I am used to having support.... two is always better than one you know. I miss him.

Bart is never gone on Saturdays. In fact, this is the first time we've not been together on a Saturday night in .... wow.... a long time.

Oh well, I'll survive. Late breaking news, as I am writing this, is that Salinda is attempting to manipulate me into letting her spend the night where she is. I might just say yes so I don't have to lose sleep. In fact, I think I will. If she blows it and is late to church tomorrow, i can use that to say no next time. And if she does do it, I can use it the next time she says "you NEVER let me do anything."

Good plan. I feel better already. Going to call Bart and then call it a night.

Hours away from the Computer

Bart left this morning to go out of town. So very sorry to see him go. I've needed him to be around. Fortuately, he took Tony and Jimmy, so that was a nice relief.

Our friends Sue, Tim and Sarah came over so that Sue could sew up our couches that have been ripped up. A couple weeks ago I started making a list of things in the house that needed to be repaired, replaced, or redone. Sue is our volunteer seamstress, so she offered to come fix them. Sue came first alone and it took her almost 3 hours. Before Tim and Sarah arrived, I laid on the couch and let her give me some therapy for a while while she worked for me. I've been excessively emotional lately, but miraculously I didn't cry during our "therapy session". Later Tim and Sarah got here and we played cards. It was a fun afternoon AND I got free therapy AND I got my couches fixed. Thanks Sue!

I haven't gotten much done on my to do list today, but I have stayed away from the computer so far. When I have been here I've done silly things like check my site meters to see who is reading my blogs (something I used to do obsessively back when I first started blogging) and checking my facebook (hooked up with an old friend from 1978 today!). And I've been looking at old blogs that I used to read and some websites that haven't been updated in years to see if maybe people have started updating them again. Most of them haven't. Like YOU Michele ... February 2006 was your last post. Hello!!!

It's been an amazingly quiet and lazy day today. Dominyk spend the afternoon with a PCA and with Tony and Jimmy gone with Bart and Salinda at a friends, I've had very low stress which is nice.

I'm responsible for dinner again -- but we're going to have leftover beans from Saturday in Nachos. Yummy. (but I'll have a very small portion, promise).

OK, enough for now..... need to start that list I mentioned earlier today.

Back to "List Mode"

After a week of being able to get absolutely nothing done, I am back to list mode. There is so much to do around here. I“m busy making my list. Just the details of the kids alone is overwhelming. So many appointments to juggle, especially this time of year when everyone has a picnic on this day and they need a lunch, and an outing where they need a drink for this other thing, and can we bring snacks to this, and make sure you don’t forget to bring swim trunks to this.... My head is spinning going through the papers they brought home from school this week.

I was cleaning the kitchen this morning and realized that the boys in the living room were intensely involved in something on TV. Since I am seldom up there (it’s usually Bart in the kitchen monitoring activity) I was interested to see what they were so involved in. So I I tuned into listen to the content, and apparently it was an educational show talking about bedbugs and bacteria. They were fascinated! But the house was being filled with exclamations like, ”EEEEEW.“ and ”SICK!“ and ”Gross“ over and over and over again. It was like a chorus of exclamations. Apparently bedbugs carry a lot of bacteria.

Took a break from kitchen cleaning

To have my devotions and write about God’s Loyal Love here.

Time At the Computer

I realized something this morning while I was on the treadmill. For the last 12 years, I have spent 10-18 hours a day at the computer. All of my hobbies center now around things that are done while I am sitting here. Digital Scrapbooking, Digital Photography, Making Videos and Slideshows, website development, etc. And it has been getting worse instead of better. That is not to say that I am not interracting with my children while I am sitting here. Believe me, I am. And I am not always multitasking them either, but I am usually sitting right here, in this desk, or in the recliner in our bedroom, with my laptop on my lap.

I tend to multitask consistently. My whole life is an exercise in maximum multitasking. So I may flip between 8 or 10 different projects during a day -- some personal but most work related. However, because I do things that way, I “work” 12-16 hours a day, sometimes more. And all of it at the computer.

I am determined to make some different choices and to limit myself, but i don’t want to make my goal so impossible that I can’t succeed. Maybe I’ll come up with a computer withdrawal program that I did for my fitness plan.... one day at time with measurable goals.

My first goal is to become a better house keeper. It have never done well at this but I need to do a better job. The kids help out a lot, but I need to over quality control. Several years ago I was very motivated by the Fly Lady who asked the question, “Are you living in CHAOS” (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome)? Her email reminders and plan for keeping a clean house and getting rid of unnecessary clutter worked very well today. I plan to subscribe again. That is my first step in my “computer withdrawal plan.”

My second step is to read more. This morning I was listening to the Writers on Writing podcast. The featured Marya Hornbacher who wrote a memoir called Madness: A Bipolar LIfe . She read a few paragraphs from it and it is very well written. Since John has previously diagnosed bipolar, I am interested to read the book and have asked Bart to try and get it through interlibrary loan. Bart is in the middle of Dear Senator which he is highly recommending and I hope to read when he is done. Finally, I want to get a guidebook for my next dream, which is still to be revealed.

Bart is leaving at noon and it may be a stressful day here, so I am not going to limit computer time today. But I slept 9 hours last night (I love Tylenol PM) and it’s 10 a.m. already and I’ve only been on an hour, so that’s already cutting way back. ; -)

My Amazing Husband

It’s been a long hard week and it all culminated today with one of the toughest mornings of my life. The emotional exhaustion I felt is nothing like I’ve ever experienced. After it was over we then had the fiasco with the checks that I mentioned in an earlier post, and then I headed out to pick up kids.

When i returned home I headed to my bedroom and there was my amazing husband, holding a half-dozen roses. Uncharacteristic of me, I burst into tears and he held me while I cried.

And at that moment I knew that I was the most unworthy of women -- so imperfect, so flawed, so difficult to live with -- and here he remains wonderful through it all. I am crying now just typing it. I married him because he was smart, witty, brave, and strong but today I understood more fully how loving, compassionate, forgiving and kind he always is.

We will grow old together, he and I, and I will strive to be less imperfect, less flawed, and easier to live with -- but I will know that regardless of whether or not I achieve those goals, he will be right there for me, no matter what.

And what else could I ask for?

Thank you, Bart. I love you.

Over

The stress is over. Nothing more is hanging over my head and Salinda, ever her so moody and unpredictable self, was in a great mood. She even smiled a few times on the way to therapy AND on the way back. It was a nice change from what I’ve seen all week. She suggested she might like to go with the family to see Ricardo play soccer on Sunday. I almost fainted. I actually received a compliment from Salinda’s therapist about my parenting improvements today, which was unexpected. That made me feel good.

Soon after I got home, relieved that those stressors were over, Bart went to run errands and came back frantic because he had misplaced the bank deposit. We retraced his steps and looked everywhere in town, until I finally found them lodged between the seats....

Stress like that when we are both emotionally exhausted and drained is not easy to deal with. We are just recovering from that and within minutes the kids will start walking in the door. So is our stress over? Possibly.

Or maybe it has just begun.

Blog Addict

I follow a lot of blogs. Let me count them. 28 of them. Fortunately many of them are not updated very often, some not at all any more, but I still have them in my RSS feed and on the menu board of my browser so if they are updated I am notified and I can read them. My morning routine includes checking them all and then posting on my own. If I get off of that pattern (like this morning, when I slept in to go on a walk with Bart instead of going to the Y this morning then I get stuck in the blogosphere for way too long.

I have been looking back at my blog over the past few months and noticed that it has not been as good as it once was and I am trying to improve it. Some of you responded to this request a couple months ago, but what would you like to see? Who I have I neglected to mention lately? Anything you want my ever-so-humble opinion about?

Let me know...

I am facing a stressful few hours... that include therapy with Salinda. heavy sigh.

Rejection Day and the End of Dreams

Wow, what a day. I never told most of you that I had applied for a couple of jobs over the past few months because I knew they were long shots and I didn't want to panic my employers. Well, relax, everyone, I'm not going anywhere. I got both of those rejection letters yesterday.

The nice thing about my personality is that as soon as one dream dies, another one takes it's place. I already have a meeting set up on Monday to explore the next possibility, which will not materialize for months, if ever.

Bart's day off is today and instead of going to the Y this morning, i waited to take a walk with him. So there will be no YMCA report. However, I did write an entry on my dieting blog about addiction last night.

So I said goodbye to some dreams yesterday... but I'm OK. This week has convinced me more than anything before of the fact that I have a loving God, a strong faith, an incredible husband, and great friends...... So, even on "rejection day" I am grateful.

The "Imaginary Friend" Game

Someone asked me about the game I mentioned playing with myself on Monday when I was trying to keep from talking to Salinda when my best bet would be to keep my mouth shut.

I pretend that I have an imaginary friend riding along with me, sometimes with a hand on my shoulder. That friend can read my mind. If I have a thought that is about to come out of my mouth that is inappropriate, or doesn’t need to be expressed, the friend pinches me .... HARD.

The imaginary friend also works well when I am exercising. Walking for 40 minutes is just unheard of for me. I really struggle to do it. It’s not only that I am bored silly (even while walking and listening to a pod-cast or two) but I hate exercise. So, the imaginary friend is sitting in my brain saying, “Oh come on, you wimp. You’re stronger than that. You can finish this. You can do it.” And sometimes we have long arguments in my brain. ”Yeah, it’s not YOU that is standing here, in some pain, tired, sweating, easy for you to say.“ But in the long run, I finish my workout. (Speaking of podcasts, and encouragement, one of the podcasts I’ve been listening to for quite some time is the Foster Parenting Podcast, featuring Tim and Wendy. They have kept me company on the exercise bike and treadmill for the past several months. This weeks podcast was very motivational and included reference to a video on their website that is quite inspirational).

Sometimes I can ask my imaginary friend questions and just the act of responding to my own questions in my head works well. I might ask the imaginary friend, ”OK, give me an idea. I need one fast. Dominyk’s persistent “i’m bored” mantra is about to make me crazy.“ And my imaginary friend, who, as you know, is imaginary, will come up with one.

It may sound a bit insane, but it is working for me. I have a few other games that I play. Maybe I’ll take time to blog about those in days to come.

Have I kept my commitment to go back to being a better blogger or what? Just like me ... always to the extreme.

Morning Meeting

Part of this mid-life crisis I have mentioned has led me to consider my future and whether or not I want to continue to be employed the way I am now for the next 20 years. I think I have concluded that I do not, but those of you who are out there and work with me do not need to panic that I am planning to quit any minute. I’m just starting to explore more options.

Should I go back to school and finish my doctorate? Or maybe I should get an MSW? If so, where would the money come from. Would I like to teach? And then there is the big secret dream that Bart and I have been tossing back and forth that is not ready to be shared that would fill a big need locally and allow us to serve some unique populations.

So this morning I had a meeting with a professor at the local university and it was wonderful. It was wonderful in that it opened my mind to all kinds of possibilities and ideas and dreams.... Just not sure which ones to pursue yet.

But I am looking forward. And that hasn’t happened in over a year. I feel like I am coming out of a long dark tunnel...

And today I’m actually getting a lot of work done (between blog entries). ;-)

My Mid-Life Crisis

Over the past year, I have been having what I have told Bart is my mid-life-crisis. It has been an interesting journey. I don't know how much of it I will share with everyone, but I read a verse of scripture this morning that propelled me to write more about it in my Scripture As I See it Blog which I haven't even looked at for months.

One Day to Talk, and Talk, and Talk it Out

I’m beginning to feel a bit like Cindy mentioning something that I can’t share with anyone, and, in case you are prone to worry, you don’t need to. It isn’t anything horrible about one of the children. It’s just something personal that I can’t put on the internet.

But, regardless of what it was, I need to share my policy about emotionally challenging things. I give myself a day. I allow myself to fall apart for one day and then it is time to get busy and get over it. Yesterday was that day. After not sleeping all night, I made it to the Y, but could barely make it through my 40 minutes all on the exercise bike. I then called in to my employer and took the morning off, processing the situation with Bart for a half hour, and then tried to sleep. After lying there for 90 minutes, but only sleeping 20 of them, I gave up. Bart took me to lunch where I ordered a small bowl of soup that I couldn’t finish and I talked some more. I then went to Dunn Brothers where I talked it all out with my friend Sue (Kari was scheduled to show up and then ended up getting delayed and couldn’t make it, but fortunately Sue unexpectedly called and was her pinch hitter). That got me until school got out.

By that time I was back at my desk and Bart was online from the hotel. So we talked some more. (Poor guy). Leading me to church dinner, where I forced myself to eat something (and did not talk about it). ;-) By the time I got home it wasn’t too long until bedtime and Bart was online again to hear a little more.

With the help of Pepto Bismol and Tylenol PM, I was able to sleep 7 hours, although I woke up at 4:30 unable to go back to sleep.

But my one day to fall apart was over. Ironically, I had been struggling for several months with several issues in my life (possibly my mid-life crisis) and Sunday and Monday I felt I had done a great job of having everything placed where it belonged. They were some of the best days I had had in a long time. In fact, on Tuesday morning Bart said, “It looks like you finally got your groove back.” By Tuesday afternoon, I felt like I was back at square one.

BUT, the day I allowed myself to fall apart is over. Today is a new day. And so I just came back from My Best Workout Ever and this morning I have a meeting with a professor to talk about possible teaching opportunities some day at the local university. I don’t know that anything will come of it, but it should be a fun conversation.

And then I am determined to get some work done. And in my spare time, i have been adding old friends to my facebook. It is fun to reconnect with some of you ... so if you have come to my blog via reading about it on facebook, hello old friends. Hope to be in touch more in the days to come! And if you are a blog reader who is a member of facebook, come find me and join mine.

Someone commented asking me about what game I had been playing to keep myself quiet in the midst of stress, so I’m planning to tell you about the “Imaginary Friend Game” Check back for a post about that later today.

The day to recover is over, and now it is upward and onward, one day at a time, each day stronger than the next.

Two Friends and a Great Husband

The unbloggable situation that I have been mentioning lately has been a severely stressful one for me. And no, if you email me, i will not tell you. But I can say that it involves me causing harm to others because of my own selfishness, and I try very hard not to do that. Primum non nocere (First, do no harm) is a motto I try to live by, and this time it didn’t happen that way. I guess it is a good thing that is an unusual thing for me to deal with and that I don’t have a lot of experience with it.

There are only three people in the world I can talk to about it -- two friends and Bart -- and all three of them have been wonderful. They have listened and been supportive and made me very grateful for them.

A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, inability to eat or sleep, and a one-track mind are not typical for me. But as Sadie pointed out in her card, i am strong and resourceful and I will survive. And why will I? Because I have people who care about me, a strong will, and a God who loves me unconditionally and always forgives me, even when I do not deserve it. And it will get better, one day at a time.

That Wilson Part 2

We're driving to Ricardo's game last night, Wilson, Sadie and I, and I burped. Yes, I confess, I occasionally do things like that. But I said nothing after this.

And then I heard a little voice coming from behind me. "And what do we say?"

and I responded, "Excuse me."

"That's much better," he replied.

Dang he's cute.

Still Going... but Just Barely

Yesterday was a killer day for me. On Monday I focused on surviving Salinda and controlling my response to her. By the time the day was over I felt great, but was exhausted. Yesterday I had the lap band appointment in Twin Cities and traffic there was awful. To top it off, something that I cannot blog about, or even share with people, happened that was very difficult for me.

I got lost after the appointment and then drove to another meeting, getting lost on the way. My exhaustion and emotional stress had caught up with me and I was blindly driving in circles for a while. After my appointment, I headed home to find that Jimmy needed a ride home, Ricardo needed a ride to the game, and Salinda was demanding a ride to the park. I did not adequately control my response to her. I let her have it, basically, and explained that there was really no reason why I should do anything for her. I finally told her that I would do it only because I loved her, and for no other reason. On the way to the park I explained to her that it was rainy and cold. As soon as I got home she asked me to bring her a blanket. I had no emotional energy left so I just took her the thing. Maybe some day these “demanded acts of kindness” (ooooh, cool phrase) will at least be remembered by her.

I then took sweet Sadie to the store. She could tell that I was really upset, and she bought me a card that said,

“You’ll make it through this difficult time because you’re strong, you’re resourceful, and you’re not alone. You’ve got friends who really care ... like me.”

It made me tear up. She is so perceptive and sweet. I hope she can remain that way.

The high point in my day was getting this letter from the doctor.

And I went to bed completely exhausted and then slept maybe 90 minutes having strange

Long Night

I didn't sleep well at all last night. I'm going to take the morning off and try to sleep again. Bart is going out of town this afternoon and I need to be rested to deal with the children alone.

I am making a new commitment today to more effective blogging. Hopefully later I will be able to have the energy to keep my commitment.

My New Motto: "Controlling What I Can Control"

I have taken on a new challenge lately -- myself. And I am the untamable shrew, the unstoppable force, the one with whom to be reckoned, the powerful one. So, attempting to take myself on is the ultimate challenge.

I realized today that I am feeling very empowered by my control over what goes into my mouth and the amount of exercise I get. My results were encouraging this morning.

I have determined to focus on controlling what I can control. Can I control what my children do? No! I can provide for them, love them, give them advice, attempt to keep them safe, but since we have a total of 9 teenagers right now, we realize that we cannot MAKE them make good choices. We provide guidance. And, a great line used by the social worker yesterday at Salinda’s meeting really made me chuckle. She told Salinda, “You’re parents can’t keep you from burning yourself if you want to bad enough. But don’t expect them to hand you the hot skillet from the stove and say, ”Here, put this on your face.“

And thus, we parent teenagers with rules -- to keep them safe and hopefully to help them make good choices. And sure, we can do our best to limit their exposure to the harms of the outside world, but eventually, they will get there.

And so I have realized more than ever before this week that I can only truly control one thing. I can control my response to things. And so I have started to play games with myself and my kids -- ways that I can control my response to them that will involve me feeling victorious at the end.

I need to leave for a doctor’s appointment... but I will share more about this later.

Survived the Day So Far

Well, it’s 4:00 p.m. and I survived the day, managing my emotions pretty well. I have been up since five, and was too stressed to nap, so I was worried that I was going to have a hard time keeping my mouth shut at the meeting. oh, wait, you don’t know about the meeting yet because you haven’t been told about the meeting.

This morning I called the probation officer. I told her what I knew, that I needed to confront Salinda, that I hadn’t done so yet, and that I would like to in front of her and the social worker if possible. So she told me to bring her directly after school.

Wow, the anxiety of picking her up and having to take her in to see her P.O. without prior warning was almost overwhelming. I had to spend most of the day talking myself down from the edge. Telling myself I could hand it, etc. I have found that if I can keep myself under control things go better. Her attitude and mean spirit, especially when she is angry, make me so anxious. But I kept myself in line whole day and I’m proud of myself so far. I still have 5.5 hours before I sleep, so we’ll see if I can keep it up.

The meeting went as well as could be expected. She was somewhat cooperative because she had to be, admitted to some of the things I confronted her about, but not all of them, and did what she was supposed to do. But she is going to not be nice at all to me. I’m going to stay away from her..... On the way home i asked her if she’d like me to leave her alone and just not talk to her. She said, “I’d like you to stay out of my life.” I said to her, “Well, to tell you the truth, I’d love to do that. Unfortunately, though, Dad and I are legally responsible for you, we are your parents, and we love you. So we really don’t have a choice right now.”

She will be angry and sullen until she wants something. Then she will break her vow of silence, stop spreading venom everywhere, and possibly become cooperative enough to get what she’s asking for. We’ve been through this cycle enough times that I know what to expect.

I have found that adoptive parenting, especially with teens who are bent on self-destruction, is all a matter of controlling us, as opposed to them. I have to control my mouth, control my emotional response, not get involved in power struggles, and self-differentiate. I have to remain as even as I can, as cheerful as possible without seeming fake, and navigate my way through the stress without letting it take over. And that is easier said than done.

But today I got an A-. I managed my anxiety, controlled my mouth (only said three or four different things that I didn’t intend to say, which for me is miraculous) and I am slowly getting myself back on an even keel emotionally. I have remained unplussed and non-responsive to the mean things she has done and said and I have managed to stay away from her enough to keep her happy.

As i said, only 5.5 hours until bedtime :-)

The Best Mother's Day So Far

My decision to not deal with Salinda’s infractions yesterday was a very good one. Because even though several children chose to be a little crabby and non-participatory, some of the other children were very loving and kind. Here are some highlights;

Tony and Leon couldn’t be more different if they tried. Tony talks 24/7, Leon is softspoken. Tony is on the extreme end of defiant, Leon is cooperative 99% of the time. Tony is attention seeking, Leon likes to slip into the background. And they shopped for Mother’s Day cards at different times of the day and I believe in different stores. And they picked the same card. It was fun teasing Leon about how it was because he and Tony are so much alike. The difference: Leon printed the words “I love you” on the envelope in small print. Dang, I love that kid.

Sadie was perplexed as to what to get me now that chocolate and other snacks aren’t a good gift. She did find a couple packages of pens, which, for me is a good gift. And she got the perfect card as when it was opened it sang, “My Girl”, the song that I always sang to she and Salinda when they were little. It isn’t important that the whole card was written to “My daughter”. Smile.

Wilson announced that he had just picked a “Random Card” and giggled when I read it outloud and it said that the card was to celebrate an AMAZING woman.

Bart got me what I had requested -- a Nalgene water bottle and a head band. I know, not exactly what you’d expect. Oh, and I asked for a new Wii controller as some of ours have gotten broken and I figured having more than one controller would improve my sanity.

Kyle called after the celebration. I mentioned to him that some of the other kids had even gotten me cards and gifts this year. I teased him that all I was getting was “free night and weekend minutes.” And he retorted, “Yes. But I’m using my free night and weekend minutes to express my undying love for you.” “I’ll take that,” I responded. Considering he spent the first 4 years with us hating my guts, and the next four barely tolerating me, remembering to call was a pretty big accomplishment.

Bart brought me a card from John when they went to visit him that said this:

It’s been a long nine years, Mom, but I hope you have a good day. I wish I could be there to tell you Happy Mother’s Day, but here’s a poem made all by me. I love you mother, you’ve helped me the whole way.

You were the one that brought me into your house,
you were the one that fed me,
You were the one that clothed me,
You were the one that also taught me good and bad.
But, I went down the wrong road.
Now, I am recovering from the bad road.
And I want to say I’m sorry for what I did, Mom.
Also, the picture you and I have doesn’t mean very much, but the memories will last forever.
So, I’m going to make your memories of me the best.

True talk,

Love you Mom!

We also took a trip to the YMCA together, which you can read about here.

We rented a movie and a couple games. Sadie and I watched most of the movie, but I didn’t choose a very good one so we will finish it tonight.

But there was minimal conflict, I was able to stop myself from saying anything to Salinda to rile her up, and we made it through the day.

Now I have to face today. But that’s OK. I’m feeling quite good at the moment and hope I can tackle it all with self-control and maturity. (yeah, right).

So Far, So Good

We’ve made it until noon. I have taken away computer access. Salinda still thinks that I don’t know about last night. As long as she can still keep thinking that, we should have peace in the house. I will have to confront her, but as I mentioned earlier this morning, I’d like to make it through today without having to deal with it.

It’s 12:09 and so far we’ve made it.

Back to Drama Land

Salinda did come home last night and she thinks that I think she was where she said she she was, but I know she wasn’t. I investigated her My Space messages this morning and she has been lying to us for weeks, violating her probation multiple times.

In addition, she has not been logging out of the computer like she is supposed to be, but using it as she wishes. Last night she left it on and one of the boys got on and the content that they were viewing was not appropriate according to our rules. Thus we are not going to be having computer in our home for a while, which is going to make Salinda very angry.

Right now I have one goal -- and that is to control myself until we get through the day. Tomorrow I will be forced to call her Probation Officer and we will deal with everything. But for the first time in years, I agreed to allow the younger kids who wanted to to prepare a Mother’s Day celebration to do so. Historically, there have been some kids of mine who made sure that Mother’s Day was hell, so we stopped celebrating it.

I have a personality where I like to take care of things quickly. My initial desire when I awaked at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep was to go wake her up and confront her with everything. If she and I were just she and I, I would have had officers here in the middle of the night last night, probably. But instead, I want to think about the other people who live here and how disruptive she can be when confronted.

So, I have to keep my mouth shut and get through the day, at least until evening. And if we don’t have an altercation, before then, I will just try to reach the P.O. first thing tomorrow morning and give her the full report.

She has managed, within our “rules”, my very crafty lies and manipulation, to violate her probation multiple times. I don’t know how we can keep her safe from herself. In fact, I’m sure we can’t. So who knows what the future holds.

All I know, is that I should never have even thought that we could have an uneventful Mother’s Day. But I do not want to deprive the children who love me from their opportunity to give back.

So I am giving myself many lectures and telling myself to stay calm and not ruin the day. We’ll see how far I can go. I don’t know how some of you are in situations like this, but my tendency when I hold things in is to do so for only so long and then really blow.

I hope that doesn’t happen today.